10 Things I've Learned From Difficult People
When
I first went into ministry, I was warned that, as a pastor, I would
have to deal with difficult people. But I was not prepared for how
venomous they could be at times.
I have been on the receiving end
of vindictive anonymous letters, berating phone calls and accusing
rants. I’ve watched too many difficult people literally storm out of the
churches I have served (not to mention their passive aggressive
behavior, sarcastic remarks, cutting jokes and backhanded compliments).
But I’ve also learned a lot from difficult people. Here are a few of the lessons they have taught me:
1. Difficult People Have the Nerve to Say What Everyone Else is Thinking.
Sometimes
(not always) difficult people are the people who say to your face what
others will only mutter under their breath. They are sometimes the only
ones who have the nerve to say what everyone else is thinking. Difficult
people can be the pastoral equivalent of when a physician orders blood
work for a patient: an efficient way to find out what is going on in the
church’s bloodstream.
2. Difficult People Help Me Develop Thick Skin.
Dealing
with difficult people is one of the most effective ways to develop the
thick skin a pastor needs in order to be fit for ministry. There may be
no other substitute. Dealing with difficult people is to our souls what
weight training is to our bodies, so I have learned to love difficult
people because they make me stronger.
3. Difficult People Reveal My Insecurities.
Difficult people force us to face up to our insecurities and our need to be liked.
Difficult
people force us to face up to our insecurities and our need to be
liked. They force us to choose the need to be firm on some issues over
our need for acceptance. Their criticism strikes at the lie that the
Enemy has planted in our hearts: “This is who you really are, and all
the nice things people say is just them being polite.”
Difficult
people and critics in our lives can be like carnival mirrors who
criticize an exaggerated and distorted version of ourselves. We
recognize immediately that the distorted image is not who we are—and
this can provide for us the opportunity to look at our lives and see
ourselves as we really are.
4. Difficult People Make Me Clarify What I’m Doing.
Just
as one out of tune string on a guitar can force us to retune all six
strings, one difficult person in a church can prompt us to clarify
everything we do. They force us to make things clearer and more precise
because of their complaints and sometimes in anticipation of their
complaints. In this way, difficult people make our ministry better
because they force us to be clear and precise about what we want to do,
and how we are going to do it.
5. Difficult People Show Me I Am Doing Something Right.
There
is a common strand running through every major turning point of
ministry, every breakthrough, every visible success, every time I could
point to measurable results, or even every time I received some level of
recognition. The common element in each of those things is the
pestering presence of difficult people who opposed me every step along
the way. I love people difficult people because they are one of the most
reliable indicators I have been able to find to tell me that I am doing
something right.
6. Difficult People Create Supporters.
A
pastor needs meaningful friendships in order to endure. And in my case,
some of my most meaningful partnerships and friendships in the ministry
have been forged in response to the difficult people in a church. At
times I have seen people become much more vocal supporters of me as a
pastor because they have seen a critic’s harsh attack. I am grateful to
have several significant friendships that were forged in direct response
to difficult people.
7. Difficult People Make Me a Better Boss and a Better Subordinate.
Difficult
people have helped me to see how important it is to recognize good
work, applaud hard work and express appreciation. They also help me to
see that not every opinion needs to be expressed. On the whole, I would
like to believe that I am less critical of those who serve above me
because of my experiences with difficult people.
8. Difficult People Drive Me To Prayer.
I
wish this was not true, but it is. And if difficult people drive me to
my knees in prayer, then I know they are a great gift. A.W. Tozer
writes, “Whoever defends himself will have himself for his defense, and
he will have no other. But let him come defenseless before the Lord and
he will have for his defender no less than God Himself.” Difficult
people drive me nuts, so they drive me to my knees in prayer, and that
is one of the reasons I have learned to love them.
9. Difficult People Are Not an Obstacle to Conquer.
I
do not want to be remembered as the man who triumphed over his critics;
I want to be remembered as the man who triumphed over giants.
I
once heard someone give a sermon about Eliab, David’s older brother,
who burned with anger against David when he was asking the men about
Goliath (1 Samuel 17:28). The pastor pointed out how David had to choose
in that moment to press on to defeat Goliath, or stop to fight his
critics.
Critics are neither an indicator of success nor failure,
so I have chosen in advance to battle giants, not critics. I have
learned to love difficult people because loving them is an option. I do
not want to be remembered as the man who triumphed over his critics; I
want to be remembered as the man who triumphed over giants.
10. I Am Someone’s Difficult Person.
I
know I have been a difficult person in someone’s life. Sometimes I
appear difficult to another person because of a disagreement, sometimes
it is just because of a personality conflict, and sometimes it comes
with being a person in leadership. But I have learned to love difficult
people because loving them is a way I can do unto others what I would
have them to do me.
Learning from difficult people and learning to
love them is still a work in progress, but I hope that someday I’ll be
able to truly love difficult people as God loves difficult me.
Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/10-things-i%E2%80%99ve-learned-difficult-people#zzWQvghCFqToJVqD.99
When
I first went into ministry, I was warned that, as a pastor, I would have to
deal with difficult people. But I was not prepared for how venomous they could
be at times.
I
have been on the receiving end of vindictive anonymous letters, berating phone
calls and accusing rants. I’ve watched too many difficult people literally
storm out of the churches I have served (not to mention their passive
aggressive behavior, sarcastic remarks, cutting jokes and backhanded
compliments).
But
I’ve also learned a lot from difficult people. Here are a few of the lessons
they have taught me:
1. Difficult People Have the Nerve to Say What
Everyone Else is Thinking.
Sometimes (not always)
difficult people are the people who say to your face what others will only
mutter under their breath. They are sometimes the only ones who have the nerve
to say what everyone else is thinking. Difficult people can be the pastoral
equivalent of when a physician orders blood work for a patient: an efficient
way to find out what is going on in the church’s bloodstream.
2. Difficult People Help Me Develop Thick Skin.
Dealing
with difficult people is one of the most effective ways to develop the thick
skin a pastor needs in order to be fit for ministry. There may be no other
substitute. Dealing with difficult people is to our souls what weight training
is to our bodies, so I have learned to love difficult people because they make
me stronger.
3. Difficult People Reveal My Insecurities.
Difficult
people force us to face up to our insecurities and our need to be liked.
Difficult
people force us to face up to our insecurities and our need to be liked. They
force us to choose the need to be firm on some issues over our need for
acceptance. Their criticism strikes at the lie that the Enemy has planted in
our hearts: “This is who you really are, and all the nice things people say is
just them being polite.”
Difficult
people and critics in our lives can be like carnival mirrors who criticize an
exaggerated and distorted version of ourselves. We recognize immediately that
the distorted image is not who we are—and this can provide for us the
opportunity to look at our lives and see ourselves as we really are.
4. Difficult People Make Me Clarify What I’m
Doing.
Just
as one out of tune string on a guitar can force us to retune all six strings,
one difficult person in a church can prompt us to clarify everything we do.
They force us to make things clearer and more precise because of their
complaints and sometimes in anticipation of their complaints. In this way,
difficult people make our ministry better because they force us to be clear and
precise about what we want to do, and how we are going to do it.
5. Difficult People Show Me I Am Doing Something
Right.
There
is a common strand running through every major turning point of ministry, every
breakthrough, every visible success, every time I could point to measurable
results, or even every time I received some level of recognition. The common
element in each of those things is the pestering presence of difficult people
who opposed me every step along the way. I love people difficult people because
they are one of the most reliable indicators I have been able to find to tell
me that I am doing something right.
6. Difficult People Create Supporters.
A
pastor needs meaningful friendships in order to endure. And in my case, some of
my most meaningful partnerships and friendships in the ministry have been
forged in response to the difficult people in a church. At times I have seen
people become much more vocal supporters of me as a pastor because they have
seen a critic’s harsh attack. I am grateful to have several significant
friendships that were forged in direct response to difficult people.
7. Difficult People Make Me a Better Boss and a
Better Subordinate.
Difficult
people have helped me to see how important it is to recognize good work,
applaud hard work and express appreciation. They also help me to see that not
every opinion needs to be expressed. On the whole, I would like to believe that
I am less critical of those who serve above me because of my experiences with
difficult people.
8. Difficult People Drive Me To Prayer.
I
wish this was not true, but it is. And if difficult people drive me to my knees
in prayer, then I know they are a great gift. A.W. Tozer writes, “Whoever
defends himself will have himself for his defense, and he will have no other.
But let him come defenseless before the Lord and he will have for his defender
no less than God Himself.” Difficult people drive me nuts, so they drive me to
my knees in prayer, and that is one of the reasons I have learned to love them.
9. Difficult People Are Not an Obstacle to
Conquer.
I
do not want to be remembered as the man who triumphed over his critics; I want
to be remembered as the man who triumphed over giants.
I
once heard someone give a sermon about Eliab, David’s older brother, who burned
with anger against David when he was asking the men about Goliath (1 Samuel
17:28). The pastor pointed out how David had to choose in that moment to press
on to defeat Goliath, or stop to fight his critics.
Critics
are neither an indicator of success nor failure, so I have chosen in advance to
battle giants, not critics. I have learned to love difficult people because
loving them is an option. I do not want to be remembered as the man who
triumphed over his critics; I want to be remembered as the man who triumphed
over giants.
10. I Am Someone’s Difficult Person.
I
know I have been a difficult person in someone’s life. Sometimes I appear
difficult to another person because of a disagreement, sometimes it is just
because of a personality conflict, and sometimes it comes with being a person
in leadership. But I have learned to love difficult people because loving them
is a way I can do unto others what I would have them to do me.
Learning
from difficult people and learning to love them is still a work in progress,
but I hope that someday I’ll be able to truly love difficult people as God
loves difficult me.
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/10-things-i%E2%80%99ve-learned-difficult-people
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